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May 2017
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Syndication

I'm still recovering from a cold and sore throat, so please excuse my hoarse voice.

Extremely deadpan topical jokes about: Kathy Griffin and Donald Trump, the cop who shot Tamir Rice, pedophiles in Australia, hot dogs with metal in them, and a car crash story that's too long to summarize.

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Show transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 30th.

 
200,000 pounds of Nathan's hot dogs were recalled after it was discovered that they contained sharp bits of metal. The explanation for the metal shards was simple: the hot dogs were made from soldiers who'd been killed by grenades.
 
In Ohio, the police officer who killed 12 year old Tamir Rice was fired today, not for the shooting, but for lying on his job application. The officer lied on the application when it asked "Would you ever shoot an unarmed child?"
In Washington state, a 70 year old woman who was trapped in her car for 5 days, survived by eating bananas and water. Luckily the woman knew several banana and water recipes: damp banana slices, banana soup, and of course, mashed bananas, drizzled with water sauce.
 
In Australia, convicted pedophiles have been banned from travelling outside of the country, because they may do so to abuse other children. Australian pedophiles are furious, and Australian children are terrified.
 
Kathy Griffin sparked controversy after she took photos of her holding Donald Trump's decapitated head. Trump found out about the photo when it was retweeted by Melania.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May302017.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:45pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: setting yourself on fire on Facebook Live, cutting off an employee's hand, snorting cocaine in England, and stealing Girl Scout cookies.

 

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 14th.

In Kentucky, a woman was arrested after she stole fifteen thousand dollars worth of Girl Scout cookies -- which is about thirty boxes.

In Pakistan, a 13 year old boy had his hand cut off by his boss when he demanded his overdue paycheck. To make sure he'd learned his lesson, the woman slapped the boy across the face -- with his own amputated hand.
 
In Tennessee, a man set himself on fire, and then ran into a bar. The bartender reached under the counter, and poured the man a kamikaze and a fireball.

In England, people are complaining that the new 5 pound notes are cutting their noses when they snort cocaine. Because there's nothing worse than waking up from a cocaine overdose to find out that you're in jail, you've lost your job -- AND you have a papercut in your nose.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May14th2.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:32pm PDT

Topical jokes about: A Domino's driver winning a shootout, homeless people in San Francisco, skinny French models, and how nobody dies because they don't have health care.

Enjoy this deadpan comedy monologue in the style of SNL Weekend Update and Late Night with Seth Meyers.

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Show Transcript:

In Idaho, a Republican congressman was booed when he told a town hall that "nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare." He went on to say that nobody ever got pregnant from having sex, and drinking doesn't get you drunk.

In Texas, an attempted robbery of a Domino's driver resulted in a gunfight, where the teenage driver shot and killed his attacker. The pizza delivery boy rushed to deliver the last pizza of the night, which was a large mushroom and pepperoni, covered in blood and brains.
 
In San Francisco, an organization has raised $100 million dollars to end homelessness. The $100 million will be spent on a fleet of stretch limos, to ship all the homeless people to Bakersfield.

A new law in France has banned fashion models who are too skinny. The law is working great: now all those skinny French models are out of work, so they're going to starve to death.
Direct download: May8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:04pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Sexually assaulting a chicken, the UK police disabling your phone, a parrot trained to give insults, a sleeping 911 dispatcher, and a priest that embezzled $500k.

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 5th.

In Philadelphia, a priest was caught stealing a half a million dollars from his church. Parishioners became suspicious when the priest gave a sermon about the 9 Commandments.

In Italy, a woman was killed by her neighbor after she trained her parrot to insult him. Not only is the man in prison for life, but he's getting 10 phone calls a day, from the parrot.

Speaking of birds...
 
In Oregon, a man was arrested for sexually assaulting a chicken. The man confessed that he'd sometimes have sex with two chickens at once, which he called "a chicken sandwich."

In the UK, police can now remotely disable your phone, even if you're not a criminal. So now you have a new excuse for missing someone's text.

Speaking of phones...

In Ohio, an emergency dispatcher has been suspended after he was heard snoring during a 911 call. In his defense, the murder the caller was describing, was really boring.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May5.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:11pm PDT

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