The Jokes for Today

Topical jokes about Donald Trump signing a boob, snorting coke during a traffic stop, a guy named Bud Weisser, a baby named Saint West, gun violence in America, a burglar being eaten by an alligator, and other stuff.

Note: We're celebrating the podcast's 1 year anniversary!

Direct download: Dec7.15.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:27pm PST

Topical jokes about Hilary Clinton, sexting secret service agents, the Syrian Army, wearing a spaghetti strainer, Charlie Sheen, and more.

Direct download: Nov22.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 6:36am PST

Topical jokes about Donald Trump, Joe Biden's presidential dreams, autism diagnoses, vegetarian hot dogs, being poor in LA, and of course -- Grumpy Cat.

Poll: Would you rather have longer podcasts, and fewer episodes, or more episodes, with fewer jokes? Sound off by leaving a review on iTunes:

Direct download: Oct28.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:46pm PST

Topical jokes about female Viagra, a sexy police standoff, the US deficit, a test to find out if you're gay, ISIS signing bonuses, and more.

EPISODE 50! Please leave me a review on iTunes!


Direct download: Oct18.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:45pm PST

Topical jokes about the Pope meeting Kim Davis, California's "right to die" law, a man fired for farting too much, Jeb Bush's "Stuff Happens" moment, and much more.

Trivia: Now longer than ever, this episode is almost TWO full minutes!

Direct download: Oct8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:45pm PST

Topical jokes about Whopper Wine, Gay pride Doritos, Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump's Bible, and much more.

Note: By popular demand, the podcast will now feature a minimum of 8 jokes, instead of the previous 6.

Direct download: Sep26.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:16pm PST

Topical jokes about Hillary Clinton's emails, the minimum wage in New York, refugees in a concentration camp, Best Buys inside Macy's, having sex on an airplane, a baby drinking vodka, and other stories I'm too lazy to list.

Weekend Update Edition: These are the jokes from my Weekend Update submission packet.

Direct download: Sept13.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 5:51pm PST

Topical jokes about Sarah Palin, the number of trees on Earth, a shootout in Brooklyn, a pillow fight at West Point, a Muslim flight attendant, death by selfie, and other news stories.

Direct download: Sep6.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:37am PST

Topical jokes about a bombing in Bangkok, a woman who is allergic to wi-fi, the Ashley Madison hack, political correctness, a gang called Tango Blast, and Jerry Seinfeld's lemonade stand.

Note: Sorry this episode is so late. I spent the last two weeks writing jokes for a comedy festival in Sweden(?), and it took up all the free time I didn't spend procrastinating.

Direct download: Sep1.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:43pm PST

Topical jokes about George Zimmerman's painting, female Viagra, the Ashley Madison hack, Kim Jong Un, Jared Fogle, and a pregnant MMA fighter.

Trivia: I think this is the funniest episode yet.

Direct download: Aug18.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:20pm PST

Topical jokes about Donald Trump, the GOP presidential debate, skunks in the subway, Columbia House filing for bankruptcy, and Alabama's GoFundMe page.

Direct download: Aug10.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:28pm PST

Topical jokes about North Korea's new time zone, a meth lab inside Taco Bell, Buzz Aldrin's travel expenses, a chicken with a prosthetic leg, MADD, and a prison escape on a surfboard.

Hopefully this doesn't sound too bad. My throat was really bugging me, and this was probably the twentieth take.


Direct download: Aug6.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:47pm PST

Topical Jokes about Rob Schneider's baseball card being stolen, an inmate ripping out his own eyeball, bullets bouncing off of an armadillo, a 560,000 year old tooth, Subway setting a sandwich-making record, a dentist killing a lion in Zimbabwe, and the NSA being the NSA.

Direct download: Aug2.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:12pm PST

Topical jokes about President Obama's birth certificate, paint that can repel urine, setting your poop on fire, Earth 2.0, Snoop Dogg being arrested, and a 560-pound-man riding across America.

Direct download: Jul26.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 4:16pm PST

Topical jokes about Donald Trump, Jurassic sperm, garbage cans with wi-fi, Americans who are too fat to be in the military, and 50 Cent's bankruptcy.

Trivia: I am very ill, and recorded this while sweating from a fever.

Direct download: Jul16.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:21pm PST

Topical jokes about Donald Trump and Chris Christie's presidential aspirations, a girl forced to live in the woods for eating a Pop-Tart, Thin Oreos, the death of the cofounder of Burt's Bees, a pizza hut employee holding his junk, a 116 year old woman, and's fears for the future of music.

Direct download: Jul7.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:52pm PST

Topical jokes about President Obama saying the n-word, a confederate statue being vandalized, P. Diddy assaulting a man with a kettlebell, Brian Williams, a mile-long pizza, and fake breasts filled with cocaine.

Apologies for the slight static buzzing on this episode. The last time it happened I spent an hour making adjustments before it spontaneously fixed itself, and don't have the time or patience to do that again tonight.

Direct download: Jun22.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:04pm PST

Topical jokes about free sex, Donald Trump running for president, North Korea's defectors, a woman on the ten dollar bill, iPhones that track how often you have sex, and The Gap closing stores.

Direct download: Jun17.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:54pm PST

Topical jokes about a cop pulling a gun at a pool party, fecal matter on your toothbrush, new Starbucks flavors, a Bitcoin theft, and a dishonest fortune teller.

Direct download: Jun9.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:24pm PST

Topical jokes about outlawing mankinis, TSA agents being terrible at their jobs, Chinese smoking ban, Muslims being denied cans of soda, a male version of Hooters, and legal weed at the North Pole.

Trivia: I recorded this while getting over a very bad headcold!

Direct download: Jun3.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:51pm PST

Topical jokes about The Rock's selfie record, hiring data, graduating college at 11, President Obama's first job, and a hack at Adult FriendFinder.

Direct download: May24.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:11am PST

Topical jokes about President Obama joining twitter, a BASE jumping death, using Viagra to treat malaria, raising the minimum wage in Los Angeles, currency exchange manipulation, and a 1,500 mile butterfly corridor.

Direct download: May20.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:26pm PST

Topical Jokes about a pig running for mayor, Southwest Airlines and suicide, a blind pole vaulter, Native Americans turning down a billion dollars, and a post office that stinks.

Direct download: May17th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:01am PST

Topical jokes about Olive Garden's "breadstick sandwiches", George Zimmerman, murder by atomic wedgie, secular America, and butterflies that eat cocaine.

Direct download: May14.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:16pm PST

Topical jokes about The Price is Right, refugees in suitcases, taking your great-grandmother to prom, social security going bankrupt, and Pizza Hut saving a hostage.

Direct download: May9.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:18pm PST

Topical jokes about the second Royal Baby, catching Ebola from sex, Stephen Hawking, the Nepal Earthquake, cocaine smuggling, and a devil's haircut (in my mind).

Direct download: May4.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:51pm PST

Topical jokes about Lil Wayne, Richard Branson, stripper funerals, cancer, and divorcing a man because his penis is too big.

Direct download: Apr28.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:01pm PST

Topical jokes about stealing dog poop, a parrot who drinks coffee, Ebola, Walmart embezzlement, North Koreans watching "The Interview", and Ben Affleck's family owning slaves.

Direct download: Apr20.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:06pm PST

Topical jokes about McDonald's all day breakfast, Amazon Dash, California's water shortage, a stabbing over salsa, more ISIS beheadings, and a retirement home's sexy calendar.

Direct download: Apr1.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:25pm PST

Topical jokes about a fire extinguisher factory, mandatory voting, Burger King cologne, George Zimmerman, and the name of Vin Diesel's baby.

Direct download: Mar25.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:16pm PST

Topical jokes about the Freedom of Information Act, medical marijuana for pets, having a baby in the shower, Target's new minimum wage, and Liam Neeson's semi-retirement.

Direct download: Mar20.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 2:12am PST

Topical jokes about marijuana smuggling, a gay Star Wars character, shooting your TV, a portable meth lab, and a penis transplant.

Direct download: Mar13.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:50pm PST

Topical jokes about Hillary Clinton's email address, a mysterious container labelled "Not Weed", sex changes in the Army, Chris Brown's baby, the Etsy IPO, and the new merger of Boko Haram and ISIS.

Direct download: Mar7.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:59pm PST

Topical jokes about edible KFC cups, setting your own house on fire, legal marijuana, Vladimir Putin's critics mysteriously dying, and a man who has sex with mailboxes.

Direct download: Feb28.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:10pm PST

Topical jokes about Kim Kardashian, a Game of Thrones Edition of Monoply, Native Americans versus Facebook, Internet Barbie, a book donation to Princeton University, and a study about retired people.

Direct download: Feb22.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:57am PST

Topical jokes about Justin Bieber, Bill Clinton, a 50 Shades of Grey word search, sleeping in a dumpster, Apple's $700 billion dollar valuation, and much, much more.

Direct download: Feb15.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:27pm PST

Topical jokes about The Pope using a computer, The Vatican giving away free haircuts, a dating app for stoners, an app that tests for STDs, a 14 pound baby, transgendered bathrooms, and a horse in a bathtub.

Direct download: Feb8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 8:10pm PST

Topical jokes about gay marriage in Alabama, cancer in the UK, Sports Illustrated featuring a plus-sized model, Venezuela's condom shortage, a suspicious package, and a selfie that ended in tragedy.

Direct download: Feb4.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:05pm PST

Topical jokes about bacon-scented lottery tickets, traffic jams, mandatory vaccinations, legalized marijuana, McDonald's, and Suge Knight.

Direct download: Jan31.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:00pm PST

Topical jokes about DeflateGate, Cuban/US relations, bears eating chocolate, Sarah Palin, Google Fiber, and coma patients.

Direct download: Jan24.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 1:05pm PST

Topical jokes about smuggling iPhones, shooting your husband, the Paris liberty march, outsourcing jobs, and smoking in the office.

Direct download: Jan12.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:34pm PST

Topical jokes about a stolen Heisman, eating human hearts, Jon Jones on cocaine, Korean hackers, and baby co-defendants.

Direct download: Jan6.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:21pm PST

Topical jokes about Harry Reid, a turn signal lever, the King of Saudi Arabia, legal marijuana, and a boy who gave up soda for a year.

Trivia: I accidentally reversed the farewell on this episode, but didn't bother re-taking it, as my voice is about to give out.

Direct download: Jan2.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:49am PST

A look back at topical jokes that were written before the podcast ever started. Jokes about Ebola, Kim Jong Un, strippers, really fat people, the Rosetta comet, Detroit, and more.

Direct download: BestOf2014.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:46am PST