The Jokes for Today (general)

Hey, I wrote a short story tonight, and decided to record it. This isn't the regular podcast, just me reading a short story (in earnest?)

Direct download: shortstory.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:30pm PST

More than 40 copies sold!

Direct download: Oct13.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:30am PST

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95
Topical jokes about Brett Kavanaugh, United Airlines, cats who have an apartment, conversion therapy, billionaires, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and other news stories.
Direct download: Jan312018.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:53pm PST

Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95
Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for November 9th.
In Michigan, a dead woman was found inside the donation dumpster at Goodwill. Goodwill employees discovered the dead woman, when a customer tried to buy her.
Speaking of death--
In Alaska, a man was who faked his own death has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. When the judge read the sentence, the man could be heard crying from inside his coffin.
The morning after the midterm election, Attorney General Jeff Sessions resigned. To insure that there is no interruption in his duties, Sessions will be replaced by a child-sized scarecrow, wearing a klan outfit.
Florida plans to phase out greyhound racing by 2020, meaning thousands of greyhounds will need to be adopted. Because there are more dogs than available homes, the greyhounds will have to compete for adoption via some sort of speed competition.
These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Nov9.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:44pm PST

Topical Jokes about: setting yourself on fire on Facebook Live, cutting off an employee's hand, snorting cocaine in England, and stealing Girl Scout cookies.


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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 14th.

In Kentucky, a woman was arrested after she stole fifteen thousand dollars worth of Girl Scout cookies -- which is about thirty boxes.

In Pakistan, a 13 year old boy had his hand cut off by his boss when he demanded his overdue paycheck. To make sure he'd learned his lesson, the woman slapped the boy across the face -- with his own amputated hand.
In Tennessee, a man set himself on fire, and then ran into a bar. The bartender reached under the counter, and poured the man a kamikaze and a fireball.

In England, people are complaining that the new 5 pound notes are cutting their noses when they snort cocaine. Because there's nothing worse than waking up from a cocaine overdose to find out that you're in jail, you've lost your job -- AND you have a papercut in your nose.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May14th2.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:32pm PST

Topical jokes about really bad daycare employees, payday loans, the Dead Sea, hardcore porn on CNN, and a mis-sent Thanksgiving text.

Direct download: Nov25.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:39am PST

Topical Jokes about: intentionally crashing a school bus, buying Viagra in bulk, the right to starve yourself, the stock market, and whether or not Jews are people.

Direct download: Nov232016.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:47am PST

Topical jokes about the TSA, Toys R Us, airlines, advertising on NBA jerseys, people dying, and a Tinder scholarship.

Direct download: Apr24.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:52pm PST

Topical jokes about a dog running a half-marathon, a movie theater shooting, a terrorist kangaroo, a masturbating driver, a fat Barbie doll, and much more.

Note: Thanks for listening, this is an extra long episode, and I hope you enjoy it.

Direct download: Jan30.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:42pm PST

Topical jokes about Donald Trump shooting people, Tinder and STDs, a Chicago city councilman who is in jail, and a woman beating her husband with nunchucks.

Note: Remember when I said I was going to record episodes more frequently? OH, I MEANT THAT!

Direct download: Jan24-2016.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:50pm PST

Topical jokes about chocolate-covered french fries, the world's oldest man dying (again!), the Oregon militia, the weather, and El Chapo.

Note: Remember when I said I was going to record the show more frequently? OH, I MEANT THAT.

Direct download: Jan21.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:34pm PST

Topical jokes about mail men destroying presents (not weeks old, I swear), Chipotle closing, powerball millionaires, and a police shooting.

Note: Sorry! I have been extremely lazy, I promise I'm going to post episodes more frequently.

Direct download: Jan17.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:51pm PST

Topical jokes about Donald Trump, Joe Biden's presidential dreams, autism diagnoses, vegetarian hot dogs, being poor in LA, and of course -- Grumpy Cat.

Poll: Would you rather have longer podcasts, and fewer episodes, or more episodes, with fewer jokes? Sound off by leaving a review on iTunes:

Direct download: Oct28.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:46pm PST

Topical jokes about Whopper Wine, Gay pride Doritos, Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump's Bible, and much more.

Note: By popular demand, the podcast will now feature a minimum of 8 jokes, instead of the previous 6.

Direct download: Sep26.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:16pm PST

Topical jokes about George Zimmerman's painting, female Viagra, the Ashley Madison hack, Kim Jong Un, Jared Fogle, and a pregnant MMA fighter.

Trivia: I think this is the funniest episode yet.

Direct download: Aug18.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:20pm PST

Topical jokes about President Obama saying the n-word, a confederate statue being vandalized, P. Diddy assaulting a man with a kettlebell, Brian Williams, a mile-long pizza, and fake breasts filled with cocaine.

Apologies for the slight static buzzing on this episode. The last time it happened I spent an hour making adjustments before it spontaneously fixed itself, and don't have the time or patience to do that again tonight.

Direct download: Jun22.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:04pm PST

Topical jokes about Kim Kardashian, a Game of Thrones Edition of Monoply, Native Americans versus Facebook, Internet Barbie, a book donation to Princeton University, and a study about retired people.

Direct download: Feb22.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:57am PST

The Jokes for November 27th

Topical jokes about money found at Burger King, a town in Pennsylvania that smells like urine, a banana gun, farts that smell like chocolate, and Thanksgiving turkey pardons.

Direct download: Nov27.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:47pm PST