The Jokes for Today (comedy)

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Syndication

I'm still recovering from a cold and sore throat, so please excuse my hoarse voice.

Extremely deadpan topical jokes about: Kathy Griffin and Donald Trump, the cop who shot Tamir Rice, pedophiles in Australia, hot dogs with metal in them, and a car crash story that's too long to summarize.

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Show transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 30th.

 
200,000 pounds of Nathan's hot dogs were recalled after it was discovered that they contained sharp bits of metal. The explanation for the metal shards was simple: the hot dogs were made from soldiers who'd been killed by grenades.
 
In Ohio, the police officer who killed 12 year old Tamir Rice was fired today, not for the shooting, but for lying on his job application. The officer lied on the application when it asked "Would you ever shoot an unarmed child?"
In Washington state, a 70 year old woman who was trapped in her car for 5 days, survived by eating bananas and water. Luckily the woman knew several banana and water recipes: damp banana slices, banana soup, and of course, mashed bananas, drizzled with water sauce.
 
In Australia, convicted pedophiles have been banned from travelling outside of the country, because they may do so to abuse other children. Australian pedophiles are furious, and Australian children are terrified.
 
Kathy Griffin sparked controversy after she took photos of her holding Donald Trump's decapitated head. Trump found out about the photo when it was retweeted by Melania.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May302017.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:45pm PST

Topical jokes about: A Domino's driver winning a shootout, homeless people in San Francisco, skinny French models, and how nobody dies because they don't have health care.

Enjoy this deadpan comedy monologue in the style of SNL Weekend Update and Late Night with Seth Meyers.

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Show Transcript:

In Idaho, a Republican congressman was booed when he told a town hall that "nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare." He went on to say that nobody ever got pregnant from having sex, and drinking doesn't get you drunk.

In Texas, an attempted robbery of a Domino's driver resulted in a gunfight, where the teenage driver shot and killed his attacker. The pizza delivery boy rushed to deliver the last pizza of the night, which was a large mushroom and pepperoni, covered in blood and brains.
 
In San Francisco, an organization has raised $100 million dollars to end homelessness. The $100 million will be spent on a fleet of stretch limos, to ship all the homeless people to Bakersfield.

A new law in France has banned fashion models who are too skinny. The law is working great: now all those skinny French models are out of work, so they're going to starve to death.
Direct download: May8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:04pm PST

Topical Jokes about: Sexually assaulting a chicken, the UK police disabling your phone, a parrot trained to give insults, a sleeping 911 dispatcher, and a priest that embezzled $500k.

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 5th.

In Philadelphia, a priest was caught stealing a half a million dollars from his church. Parishioners became suspicious when the priest gave a sermon about the 9 Commandments.

In Italy, a woman was killed by her neighbor after she trained her parrot to insult him. Not only is the man in prison for life, but he's getting 10 phone calls a day, from the parrot.

Speaking of birds...
 
In Oregon, a man was arrested for sexually assaulting a chicken. The man confessed that he'd sometimes have sex with two chickens at once, which he called "a chicken sandwich."

In the UK, police can now remotely disable your phone, even if you're not a criminal. So now you have a new excuse for missing someone's text.

Speaking of phones...

In Ohio, an emergency dispatcher has been suspended after he was heard snoring during a 911 call. In his defense, the murder the caller was describing, was really boring.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May5.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:11pm PST

Topical Jokes about: The Pope starting a laundromat, a politician appearing via hologram, suicide-proofing the Golden Gate bridge, and paying hospital bills in advance.

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Show Transcript:

In Rome, The Pope has opened a new laundromat for the poor. It's just like a regular laundromat, except after you wash your clothing, you hang it to dry on a crucifix.
 
Many US hospitals are now requiring patients to pay for their medical care BEFORE they receive treatment. In a related story, people with gushing head wounds have started robbing banks.

In France, a politician is able to appear at several rallies at the same by, by projecting himself as a hologram. He's an honest politician, but voters see right through him.

The Golden Gate Bridge is set to receive suicide barriers to prevent people from jumping to their death. Now, people who want to commit suicide will have to go back to lighting themselves on fire.
 
In Colorado, marijuana enthusiasts have founded the International Church of Cannabis. The founder said he was inspired to start the church after he saw a burning bush.
Direct download: April16.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 1:02am PST

Topical Jokes about: shooting hibernating bears, high heels in the workplace, KFC using antibiotics, a dead bat in a salad, and shooting your son over walking the dog.

Thanks for listening, and please tell a friend or loved one to subscribe.


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Direct download: April9.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:26pm PST

Topical Jokes about: Ivanka Trump working at the White House, a man being eaten by a giant python, and a babysitter that overdosed on heroin.

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Direct download: March29.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:41pm PST

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical Jokes about smuggling cocaine in bananas, breastfeeding, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump's bill for Angela Merkel.

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Direct download: March27.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:54pm PST

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical jokes about Donald and Melania Trump, working at McDonald's for 44 years, and decapitated police in the Congo.

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Direct download: March25.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:10am PST

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical jokes about: toilet paper in China, burning down your house to kill ants, owing money when you die, and a Muppet with autism on Sesame Street.

iTunes -

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Direct download: March22nd.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:20pm PST

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical Jokes about a White House bomb threat, dining and ditching, beating a Good Samaritan, and smoking weed.

Tell a prison inmate to subscribe; they've got nowhere to be.

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Direct download: March19.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 8:57pm PST