The Jokes for Today (comedy)

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Syndication

Topical jokes about: Confederate statues, Donald Trump ecstasy, and the Secret Service.

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 22nd.

In Texas, a man was arrested after he was caught trying to blow up a Confederate statue. If convicted, the man will be enslaved.
 
In Germany, police have seized 5,000 orange ecstasy tablets that are shaped like Donald Trump's head. When you take the Donald Trump ecstasy you feel amazing. You feel just like Donald Trump does right after he hits "Send" on a tweet.

Police also discovered Donald Trump Viagra pills, which were shaped like his giant red neckties.

The Secret Service can no longer afford to protect Donald Trump and his family, as they have already exhausted their annual budget. Trump said, "Not to worry, if anyone tries to shoot me, I can just use Melania as a human shield."
 
These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Aug22.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:51pm PST

Topical jokes about: Steve Bannon, stolen zoo animals, and white supremacy.

Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 19th.


A priest chanting Latin in reverse successfully cast a magic spell to banish evil spirits -- and Steven Bannon has been removed from the White House.

Donald Trump reportedly asked for Bannon's resignation. According to Trump, during his meeting with Bannon, people were fired on many sides -- many sides.
 
Speaking of racism...

In Boston, a group of dozens of white supremacists held a protest, but were dwarfed by 40,000 counter protestors. So for once, white supremacists got to feel what it's like to be a vulnerable minority group.
 
In Venezuela, a food shortage has resulted in animals being stolen from the zoo, and zoo officials fear the animals have been eaten. "I have no idea what happened", said a man eating an aardvark sandwich.

...two visitors were asked to leave the zoo after they were caught rubbing barbecue sauce onto an elephant.
 
These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.



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Direct download: aug19.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:31am PST

Topical jokes about Neo-Nazis, the KKK, and a woman who found her wedding ring on a carrot.
 
Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 16th.

In Canada, a gardener who lost her wedding ring 14 years ago, found it wrapped around a carrot. According to Canadian law, that carrot can now sue the woman for alimony.

The KKK has been denied a permit to burn a giant cross on top of a mountain. No reason was provided.

A Neo-Nazi website has been forced offline after they were banned from several webhosting services. Currently, the only website posting Nazi propaganda is Whitehouse.gov

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.


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Direct download: Aug16th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:02pm PST

After an extremely long hiatus, the Jokes for Today are BACK!

Topical jokes about: an island of garbage, the owner of Costco dying, stoners, and OJ Simpson getting out of prison.

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for August 3rd.

In extremely recent news:
 
OJ Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from prison. OJ made a pretty compelling argument to the parole board: he threatened to MURDER them.

OJ swore that if he was released from prison that he'd never commit another murder. The parole board reminded him that he was in prison for robbery.
 
A study found that people who smoke marijuana are more relaxed than people who don't. The study consisted of a scientist looking at a stoner for 1 second.

Scientists have discovered a floating patch of garbage in the ocean, that's 1 and a half times the size of Texas. The biggest difference is that  unlike Texas, people want to live on the island of garbage.

The founder of Costco has passed away. He died while making a sandwich, when he fell off of a stepladder, and drowned in a 600 gallon jar of mayonnaise.
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.

 
Direct download: Aug3.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:31pm PST

Topical Jokes about: Being struck by lightning, child sex slaves on Mars, Obama Boulevard, and a plane crash on the 405 freeway.

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Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for July 5th.

In Florida, a pregnant woman gave birth after being struck by lightning. The good news is that now her iPhone is fully charged.

...the child was named "Sparky."
 
In response to a conspiracy theory, NASA issued a statement that there are no child sex slaves on Mars. They prefer to be called "underage astronaut prostitutes."

The Los Angeles city council has voted to name a street "Obama Boulevard." Drivers love the road, but Republicans have already promised that they will "reroute and repave Obama Boulevard."

Donald Trump's proposed replacement for Obama Boulevard is a quarter-mile of red lights and spike strips, that ultimately sends drivers over a cliff.
 
Speaking of roads --

Last week a plane crash-landed on the 405 freeway. Traffic on the freeway was backed up for miles, with hour-long delays, and then the plane crashed.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: July5th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:55pm PST

Topical jokes about: Trumpcare, throwing change into a jet engine, a dog who was elected mayor, and the Queen of England getting a raise.

 

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 27th.
 
Hillary Clinton said ‘If Republicans pass this healthcare bill, they’ll be the death party’, And if there's anyone who knows about being the death of a party, it's Hillary Clinton.
 
A small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as mayor for the fourth time. The dog nearly lost the election when Wikileaks posted emails, where the dog confessed that he knew he wasn't a good boy.
 
In China, a flight was delayed for hours after an elderly woman threw coins into one of the engines for good luck. To prevent future occurrences, airport security no longer allows passengers to bring on, OLD CHINESE WOMEN.
 
The Queen of England is set to receive a 78% raise from the government. The raise is good news, because there'd been rumors around the watercooler, that the Queen was going to get laid off.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun27th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:40pm PST

Topical Jokes about: Marijuana pizza, a bad dog owner, untalented psychics, fox news, and a lawsuit involving a testicle.

 

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 18th.

In Massachusetts, a marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana pizza. If your marijuana pizza isn't delivered within 30 minutes, then your driver is probably taking a nap.

Police ticketed a woman after she left her six dogs in a hot car, and they all died. The ticket was for "barbecuing without a license."

Fox News has announced they are retiring their old slogan "Fair and Balanced." Fox executives are still deciding on the new slogan, which they've narrowed down to either: "The Daily Show for Racists" or "InfoWars Light."

In Arizona, two psychics were surprised when they were hit by a car that crashed through the window of a restaurant. The man explained that were were different kinds of psychics. He's the kind of psychic who can't see the future.

...the injured psychic asked police to let his wife know he was in the hospital so she wouldn't be worried. The man said that his wife is also a psychic.

In Pennsylvania, a man has been awarded $870,000 dollars after he underwent surgery to remove a diseased testicle, and the doctor removed his healthy testicle by mistake. In the doctor's defense, no testicle has ever looked healthy.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun1817.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 6:28pm PST

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 7th.

Soon, iPhones will prevent users from texting while driving. The way it works is simple, when the driver starts texting, the car's wheels will fly off.

Drug overdoses are now the leading cause of death for people under 50. And when you turn 50 there's a new leading cause of death: infected bed sores.
 
In Utah, a woman was arrested for pulling her child's teeth out with pliers in a Walmart bathroom. Walmart employees were shocked, because none of them had ever heard of dentistry.

A man flying Delta airlines was bitten by another passenger's emotional support dog. But the dog made it up to everyone later, by eating a crying baby.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun7.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:53pm PST

Topical Jokes about: Bill Maher saying the n-word, homelessness, in LA, trying to join ISIS, and the new Wonder Woman movie.

Hope you enjoy extremely deadpan delivery, because that's how I read jokes.

 

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Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 4th.

The new "Wonder Woman" movie earned 100 million dollars in its opening weekend. "Wonder Woman" is such huge a hit that there's already talk of rebooting the franchise, with a male lead.

In Los Angeles, the homeless population has jumped 23% since last year. Which is a surprising statistic, considering 99% of the people in Los Angeles, have never had a job.

Bill Maher has been criticized for using the n-word in a TV interview. But in Bill Maher's defense: he's an out-of-touch douche.

An Air Force veteran has been sentenced to 35 years in prison for trying to join ISIS. ISIS released a statement saying they'd reviewed the man's application, but they're moving ahead with another candidate.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: June4th17.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:31pm PST

I'm still recovering from a cold and sore throat, so please excuse my hoarse voice.

Extremely deadpan topical jokes about: Kathy Griffin and Donald Trump, the cop who shot Tamir Rice, pedophiles in Australia, hot dogs with metal in them, and a car crash story that's too long to summarize.

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Show transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 30th.

 
200,000 pounds of Nathan's hot dogs were recalled after it was discovered that they contained sharp bits of metal. The explanation for the metal shards was simple: the hot dogs were made from soldiers who'd been killed by grenades.
 
In Ohio, the police officer who killed 12 year old Tamir Rice was fired today, not for the shooting, but for lying on his job application. The officer lied on the application when it asked "Would you ever shoot an unarmed child?"
In Washington state, a 70 year old woman who was trapped in her car for 5 days, survived by eating bananas and water. Luckily the woman knew several banana and water recipes: damp banana slices, banana soup, and of course, mashed bananas, drizzled with water sauce.
 
In Australia, convicted pedophiles have been banned from travelling outside of the country, because they may do so to abuse other children. Australian pedophiles are furious, and Australian children are terrified.
 
Kathy Griffin sparked controversy after she took photos of her holding Donald Trump's decapitated head. Trump found out about the photo when it was retweeted by Melania.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May302017.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:45pm PST

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