The Jokes for Today (comedy)

Categories

general
Comedy

Archives

2018
February

2017
August
July
June
May
April
March
January

2016
November
September
August
June
May
April
March
February
January

2015
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2014
December
November

October 2018
S M T W T F S
     
  1 2 3 4 5 6
7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30 31

Syndication

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for February 12th.
 
The presidential portrait of Barack Obama was unveiled today. Everyone agreed that even a painting of Barack Obama is a better president than Donald Trump.
 
Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that the sheriff's department is a critical part of "The anglo-american heritage of law enforcement." Republicans insist that his statement wasn't MEANT to be racist, it just SOUNDS racist, because HE IS racist.
 
Remington, the gun manufacturer has filed for bankruptcy. The CEO of Remington explained that, there simply aren't enough mass shootings for them to stay profitable.
 
In Arizona, a woman went to sleep with a severe headache, and woke up speaking with a British accent. "Oh! I wish that would happen to me!", said most women.
 
In Ohio, a manager of Dollar Tree was assaulted by shoplifters after the video of them stealing was posted to Facebook.  Investigators are still trying to figure out how people who shoplift at Dollar Tree, have access to the internet.
 
Robot-maker Boston Dynamics shared a video of a robot opening a door. They didn't teach the robot how to knock on the door, because they want it to be a surprise when it kills you.
 
Thank you for listening. I wrote a comedy book called "Riddles for the Easily Confused" which is now available on Amazon.com
 
amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4
 
These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Feb12.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:43pm PDT

Topical jokes about: Confederate statues, Donald Trump ecstasy, and the Secret Service.

Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:
iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ
 
Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 22nd.

In Texas, a man was arrested after he was caught trying to blow up a Confederate statue. If convicted, the man will be enslaved.
 
In Germany, police have seized 5,000 orange ecstasy tablets that are shaped like Donald Trump's head. When you take the Donald Trump ecstasy you feel amazing. You feel just like Donald Trump does right after he hits "Send" on a tweet.

Police also discovered Donald Trump Viagra pills, which were shaped like his giant red neckties.

The Secret Service can no longer afford to protect Donald Trump and his family, as they have already exhausted their annual budget. Trump said, "Not to worry, if anyone tries to shoot me, I can just use Melania as a human shield."
 
These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Aug22.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:51pm PDT

Topical jokes about: Steve Bannon, stolen zoo animals, and white supremacy.

Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 19th.


A priest chanting Latin in reverse successfully cast a magic spell to banish evil spirits -- and Steven Bannon has been removed from the White House.

Donald Trump reportedly asked for Bannon's resignation. According to Trump, during his meeting with Bannon, people were fired on many sides -- many sides.
 
Speaking of racism...

In Boston, a group of dozens of white supremacists held a protest, but were dwarfed by 40,000 counter protestors. So for once, white supremacists got to feel what it's like to be a vulnerable minority group.
 
In Venezuela, a food shortage has resulted in animals being stolen from the zoo, and zoo officials fear the animals have been eaten. "I have no idea what happened", said a man eating an aardvark sandwich.

...two visitors were asked to leave the zoo after they were caught rubbing barbecue sauce onto an elephant.
 
These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.



Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ
Direct download: aug19.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:31am PDT

Topical jokes about Neo-Nazis, the KKK, and a woman who found her wedding ring on a carrot.
 
Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 16th.

In Canada, a gardener who lost her wedding ring 14 years ago, found it wrapped around a carrot. According to Canadian law, that carrot can now sue the woman for alimony.

The KKK has been denied a permit to burn a giant cross on top of a mountain. No reason was provided.

A Neo-Nazi website has been forced offline after they were banned from several webhosting services. Currently, the only website posting Nazi propaganda is Whitehouse.gov

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.


Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ
Direct download: Aug16th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:02pm PDT

After an extremely long hiatus, the Jokes for Today are BACK!

Topical jokes about: an island of garbage, the owner of Costco dying, stoners, and OJ Simpson getting out of prison.

Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for August 3rd.

In extremely recent news:
 
OJ Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from prison. OJ made a pretty compelling argument to the parole board: he threatened to MURDER them.

OJ swore that if he was released from prison that he'd never commit another murder. The parole board reminded him that he was in prison for robbery.
 
A study found that people who smoke marijuana are more relaxed than people who don't. The study consisted of a scientist looking at a stoner for 1 second.

Scientists have discovered a floating patch of garbage in the ocean, that's 1 and a half times the size of Texas. The biggest difference is that  unlike Texas, people want to live on the island of garbage.

The founder of Costco has passed away. He died while making a sandwich, when he fell off of a stepladder, and drowned in a 600 gallon jar of mayonnaise.
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.

 
Direct download: Aug3.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:31pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Being struck by lightning, child sex slaves on Mars, Obama Boulevard, and a plane crash on the 405 freeway.

Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:
 
Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for July 5th.

In Florida, a pregnant woman gave birth after being struck by lightning. The good news is that now her iPhone is fully charged.

...the child was named "Sparky."
 
In response to a conspiracy theory, NASA issued a statement that there are no child sex slaves on Mars. They prefer to be called "underage astronaut prostitutes."

The Los Angeles city council has voted to name a street "Obama Boulevard." Drivers love the road, but Republicans have already promised that they will "reroute and repave Obama Boulevard."

Donald Trump's proposed replacement for Obama Boulevard is a quarter-mile of red lights and spike strips, that ultimately sends drivers over a cliff.
 
Speaking of roads --

Last week a plane crash-landed on the 405 freeway. Traffic on the freeway was backed up for miles, with hour-long delays, and then the plane crashed.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: July5th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:55pm PDT

Topical jokes about: Trumpcare, throwing change into a jet engine, a dog who was elected mayor, and the Queen of England getting a raise.

 

Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:
 
 
Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 27th.
 
Hillary Clinton said ‘If Republicans pass this healthcare bill, they’ll be the death party’, And if there's anyone who knows about being the death of a party, it's Hillary Clinton.
 
A small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as mayor for the fourth time. The dog nearly lost the election when Wikileaks posted emails, where the dog confessed that he knew he wasn't a good boy.
 
In China, a flight was delayed for hours after an elderly woman threw coins into one of the engines for good luck. To prevent future occurrences, airport security no longer allows passengers to bring on, OLD CHINESE WOMEN.
 
The Queen of England is set to receive a 78% raise from the government. The raise is good news, because there'd been rumors around the watercooler, that the Queen was going to get laid off.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun27th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:40pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Marijuana pizza, a bad dog owner, untalented psychics, fox news, and a lawsuit involving a testicle.

 

Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

 

Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 18th.

In Massachusetts, a marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana pizza. If your marijuana pizza isn't delivered within 30 minutes, then your driver is probably taking a nap.

Police ticketed a woman after she left her six dogs in a hot car, and they all died. The ticket was for "barbecuing without a license."

Fox News has announced they are retiring their old slogan "Fair and Balanced." Fox executives are still deciding on the new slogan, which they've narrowed down to either: "The Daily Show for Racists" or "InfoWars Light."

In Arizona, two psychics were surprised when they were hit by a car that crashed through the window of a restaurant. The man explained that were were different kinds of psychics. He's the kind of psychic who can't see the future.

...the injured psychic asked police to let his wife know he was in the hospital so she wouldn't be worried. The man said that his wife is also a psychic.

In Pennsylvania, a man has been awarded $870,000 dollars after he underwent surgery to remove a diseased testicle, and the doctor removed his healthy testicle by mistake. In the doctor's defense, no testicle has ever looked healthy.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun1817.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 6:28pm PDT

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

 

Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 7th.

Soon, iPhones will prevent users from texting while driving. The way it works is simple, when the driver starts texting, the car's wheels will fly off.

Drug overdoses are now the leading cause of death for people under 50. And when you turn 50 there's a new leading cause of death: infected bed sores.
 
In Utah, a woman was arrested for pulling her child's teeth out with pliers in a Walmart bathroom. Walmart employees were shocked, because none of them had ever heard of dentistry.

A man flying Delta airlines was bitten by another passenger's emotional support dog. But the dog made it up to everyone later, by eating a crying baby.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun7.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:53pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Bill Maher saying the n-word, homelessness, in LA, trying to join ISIS, and the new Wonder Woman movie.

Hope you enjoy extremely deadpan delivery, because that's how I read jokes.

 

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 4th.

The new "Wonder Woman" movie earned 100 million dollars in its opening weekend. "Wonder Woman" is such huge a hit that there's already talk of rebooting the franchise, with a male lead.

In Los Angeles, the homeless population has jumped 23% since last year. Which is a surprising statistic, considering 99% of the people in Los Angeles, have never had a job.

Bill Maher has been criticized for using the n-word in a TV interview. But in Bill Maher's defense: he's an out-of-touch douche.

An Air Force veteran has been sentenced to 35 years in prison for trying to join ISIS. ISIS released a statement saying they'd reviewed the man's application, but they're moving ahead with another candidate.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: June4th17.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:31pm PDT

I'm still recovering from a cold and sore throat, so please excuse my hoarse voice.

Extremely deadpan topical jokes about: Kathy Griffin and Donald Trump, the cop who shot Tamir Rice, pedophiles in Australia, hot dogs with metal in them, and a car crash story that's too long to summarize.

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

 

Show transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 30th.

 
200,000 pounds of Nathan's hot dogs were recalled after it was discovered that they contained sharp bits of metal. The explanation for the metal shards was simple: the hot dogs were made from soldiers who'd been killed by grenades.
 
In Ohio, the police officer who killed 12 year old Tamir Rice was fired today, not for the shooting, but for lying on his job application. The officer lied on the application when it asked "Would you ever shoot an unarmed child?"
In Washington state, a 70 year old woman who was trapped in her car for 5 days, survived by eating bananas and water. Luckily the woman knew several banana and water recipes: damp banana slices, banana soup, and of course, mashed bananas, drizzled with water sauce.
 
In Australia, convicted pedophiles have been banned from travelling outside of the country, because they may do so to abuse other children. Australian pedophiles are furious, and Australian children are terrified.
 
Kathy Griffin sparked controversy after she took photos of her holding Donald Trump's decapitated head. Trump found out about the photo when it was retweeted by Melania.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May302017.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:45pm PDT

Topical jokes about: A Domino's driver winning a shootout, homeless people in San Francisco, skinny French models, and how nobody dies because they don't have health care.

Enjoy this deadpan comedy monologue in the style of SNL Weekend Update and Late Night with Seth Meyers.

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

 

Show Transcript:

In Idaho, a Republican congressman was booed when he told a town hall that "nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare." He went on to say that nobody ever got pregnant from having sex, and drinking doesn't get you drunk.

In Texas, an attempted robbery of a Domino's driver resulted in a gunfight, where the teenage driver shot and killed his attacker. The pizza delivery boy rushed to deliver the last pizza of the night, which was a large mushroom and pepperoni, covered in blood and brains.
 
In San Francisco, an organization has raised $100 million dollars to end homelessness. The $100 million will be spent on a fleet of stretch limos, to ship all the homeless people to Bakersfield.

A new law in France has banned fashion models who are too skinny. The law is working great: now all those skinny French models are out of work, so they're going to starve to death.
Direct download: May8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:04pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Sexually assaulting a chicken, the UK police disabling your phone, a parrot trained to give insults, a sleeping 911 dispatcher, and a priest that embezzled $500k.

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 5th.

In Philadelphia, a priest was caught stealing a half a million dollars from his church. Parishioners became suspicious when the priest gave a sermon about the 9 Commandments.

In Italy, a woman was killed by her neighbor after she trained her parrot to insult him. Not only is the man in prison for life, but he's getting 10 phone calls a day, from the parrot.

Speaking of birds...
 
In Oregon, a man was arrested for sexually assaulting a chicken. The man confessed that he'd sometimes have sex with two chickens at once, which he called "a chicken sandwich."

In the UK, police can now remotely disable your phone, even if you're not a criminal. So now you have a new excuse for missing someone's text.

Speaking of phones...

In Ohio, an emergency dispatcher has been suspended after he was heard snoring during a 911 call. In his defense, the murder the caller was describing, was really boring.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May5.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:11pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: The Pope starting a laundromat, a politician appearing via hologram, suicide-proofing the Golden Gate bridge, and paying hospital bills in advance.

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

 

Show Transcript:

In Rome, The Pope has opened a new laundromat for the poor. It's just like a regular laundromat, except after you wash your clothing, you hang it to dry on a crucifix.
 
Many US hospitals are now requiring patients to pay for their medical care BEFORE they receive treatment. In a related story, people with gushing head wounds have started robbing banks.

In France, a politician is able to appear at several rallies at the same by, by projecting himself as a hologram. He's an honest politician, but voters see right through him.

The Golden Gate Bridge is set to receive suicide barriers to prevent people from jumping to their death. Now, people who want to commit suicide will have to go back to lighting themselves on fire.
 
In Colorado, marijuana enthusiasts have founded the International Church of Cannabis. The founder said he was inspired to start the church after he saw a burning bush.
Direct download: April16.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 1:02am PDT

Topical Jokes about: shooting hibernating bears, high heels in the workplace, KFC using antibiotics, a dead bat in a salad, and shooting your son over walking the dog.

Thanks for listening, and please tell a friend or loved one to subscribe.


Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Direct download: April9.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:26pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Ivanka Trump working at the White House, a man being eaten by a giant python, and a babysitter that overdosed on heroin.

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Direct download: March29.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:41pm PDT

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical Jokes about smuggling cocaine in bananas, breastfeeding, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump's bill for Angela Merkel.

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Direct download: March27.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:54pm PDT

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical jokes about Donald and Melania Trump, working at McDonald's for 44 years, and decapitated police in the Congo.

Subscribe to the Jokes for Today

iTunes -

Android -

Direct download: March25.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:10am PDT

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical jokes about: toilet paper in China, burning down your house to kill ants, owing money when you die, and a Muppet with autism on Sesame Street.

iTunes -

Android -

Direct download: March22nd.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:20pm PDT

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical Jokes about a White House bomb threat, dining and ditching, beating a Good Samaritan, and smoking weed.

Tell a prison inmate to subscribe; they've got nowhere to be.

iTunes - Android -

Direct download: March19.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 8:57pm PDT

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical Jokes about: Cheerios, the five-second-rule, and a man who confessed to rape during a job interview.

Direct download: March17.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:46pm PDT

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical Jokes about Marissa Mayer, the CBO report on Trumpcare, drone strikes, and "Facezam" a creepy stalker app.

Direct download: March14.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:34pm PDT

Trending Comedy News Podcast

Topical Jokes about: An intruder at the White House, homeless high school students, climate change, and refusing to teach undocumented immigrants.

Direct download: March12th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:38pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Donald Trump's inauguration, "Angel Shots" at Hooter's, a very poorly-made burger, and Ringling Brothers Circus going out of business.

Direct download: Jan15A.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:58pm PDT

Topical jokes about HOLLYWEED, driving while stoned, the President of Playlists, and Donald Trump being covered in piss.

Direct download: Jan10.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:59pm PDT

Hey! It's been awhile! For the first time in two months I've gotten my act together enough to write and record the podcast. Here's to more frequent episodes.

Topical Jokes about: The Pope, rain in Los Angeles, "Sponsored Content", swiping a wallet, and the hospitalization of Kanye West.

Direct download: Nov21.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:34pm PDT

Topical jokes about stem cell therapy, police violence, Japan, pigeons, stem cell research, droughts, and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's divorce.

Direct download: Sep21.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:01pm PDT

Topical jokes about Anthony Weiner's divorce, Ryan Lochte, killing your son, a world record for fist bumps, prison currency, and a dead bagpipe player.

Direct download: Aug29.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:45pm PDT

Topical jokes about cockroaches, Donald Trump, and a license plate that reads 8THEIST.

Note: This is a shorter episode, but I want to crank them out a lot faster.

Direct download: Aug14.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:54pm PDT

Topical jokes about: A really old Twinkie, squirting breastmilk on people, President Obama's approval rating, shooting a gun as a joke, Ozzy Osbourne's sex addiction, Mac 'n Cheetos, and Blink 182

HUGE APOLOGY ALERT. Most of these jokes are pretty old, because I wrote them last month when I submitted a packet for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. After I finished that packet, I lost all interest in recording the jokes, and the podcast in general, and then did nothing for a month. I really just had zero interest in doing the podcast, and it's a small miracle I did it tonight.

Direct download: Aug8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:32pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: The Cleveland Cavaliers, a woman being chased by a bear, free tickets from Tickemaster, a naked restaurant in Japan, Chewbacca Mom, and other stuff.

Note: Sorry for the delay in recording a new episode. Thanks to the Summer weather, this episode is complete with crickets chirping between jokes, just like if I performed them for an audience.

Direct download: Jun19.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:13pm PDT

Topical jokes about Donald Trump, Caitlyn Jenner, George Zimmerman's gun auction, a 100 year old running around, and the Indy 500.

Direct download: May15.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:59pm PDT

Topical jokes about stealing candy bars, yoga on airplanes, sewing your hand into your stomach, and a Scarlett Johansson robot.

Direct download: Apr4.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:10pm PDT

Topical jokes about: Donald Trump's position on abortion, a tax on marijuana, Katt Williams getting beaten up, adult coloring books, virtual reality porn and much more.

Direct download: Mar31.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:43pm PDT

Topical jokes about Jared Fogle, Indiana Jones, a woman ripping off her husband's testicles, stolen Legos and much more.

Direct download: Mar17.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:13pm PDT

Topical jokes about Kanye asking for a billion dollar loan, Jeb Bush quitting the presidential race, a giant diamond, guns in the classroom, and of course Adolf Hitler's deformed penis.

Direct download: Feb21.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:37pm PDT

Topical jokes about Donald Trump, Chipotle, Sears, crosses on cop cars, Subway's $5 dollar foot long, and more.

Note: I recorded this in like 3 takes, which I think is the fastest ever.

Direct download: Feb10.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:33pm PDT

Topical jokes about Donald Trump signing a boob, snorting coke during a traffic stop, a guy named Bud Weisser, a baby named Saint West, gun violence in America, a burglar being eaten by an alligator, and other stuff.

Note: We're celebrating the podcast's 1 year anniversary!

Direct download: Dec7.15.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:27pm PDT

Topical jokes about Hilary Clinton, sexting secret service agents, the Syrian Army, wearing a spaghetti strainer, Charlie Sheen, and more.

Direct download: Nov22.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 6:36am PDT

Topical jokes about female Viagra, a sexy police standoff, the US deficit, a test to find out if you're gay, ISIS signing bonuses, and more.

EPISODE 50! Please leave me a review on iTunes! http://goo.gl/84SVm6

 

Direct download: Oct18.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:45pm PDT

Topical jokes about the Pope meeting Kim Davis, California's "right to die" law, a man fired for farting too much, Jeb Bush's "Stuff Happens" moment, and much more.

Trivia: Now longer than ever, this episode is almost TWO full minutes!

Direct download: Oct8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:45pm PDT

Topical jokes about Hillary Clinton's emails, the minimum wage in New York, refugees in a concentration camp, Best Buys inside Macy's, having sex on an airplane, a baby drinking vodka, and other stories I'm too lazy to list.

Weekend Update Edition: These are the jokes from my Weekend Update submission packet.

Direct download: Sept13.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 5:51pm PDT

Topical jokes about Sarah Palin, the number of trees on Earth, a shootout in Brooklyn, a pillow fight at West Point, a Muslim flight attendant, death by selfie, and other news stories.

Direct download: Sep6.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:37am PDT

Topical jokes about a bombing in Bangkok, a woman who is allergic to wi-fi, the Ashley Madison hack, political correctness, a gang called Tango Blast, and Jerry Seinfeld's lemonade stand.

Note: Sorry this episode is so late. I spent the last two weeks writing jokes for a comedy festival in Sweden(?), and it took up all the free time I didn't spend procrastinating.

Direct download: Sep1.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:43pm PDT

Topical jokes about Donald Trump, the GOP presidential debate, skunks in the subway, Columbia House filing for bankruptcy, and Alabama's GoFundMe page.

Direct download: Aug10.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:28pm PDT

Topical jokes about North Korea's new time zone, a meth lab inside Taco Bell, Buzz Aldrin's travel expenses, a chicken with a prosthetic leg, MADD, and a prison escape on a surfboard.

Hopefully this doesn't sound too bad. My throat was really bugging me, and this was probably the twentieth take.

 

Direct download: Aug6.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:47pm PDT

Topical Jokes about Rob Schneider's baseball card being stolen, an inmate ripping out his own eyeball, bullets bouncing off of an armadillo, a 560,000 year old tooth, Subway setting a sandwich-making record, a dentist killing a lion in Zimbabwe, and the NSA being the NSA.

Direct download: Aug2.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:12pm PDT

Topical jokes about President Obama's birth certificate, paint that can repel urine, setting your poop on fire, Earth 2.0, Snoop Dogg being arrested, and a 560-pound-man riding across America.

Direct download: Jul26.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 4:16pm PDT

Topical jokes about Donald Trump, Jurassic sperm, garbage cans with wi-fi, Americans who are too fat to be in the military, and 50 Cent's bankruptcy.

Trivia: I am very ill, and recorded this while sweating from a fever.

Direct download: Jul16.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:21pm PDT

Topical jokes about Donald Trump and Chris Christie's presidential aspirations, a girl forced to live in the woods for eating a Pop-Tart, Thin Oreos, the death of the cofounder of Burt's Bees, a pizza hut employee holding his junk, a 116 year old woman, and Will.i.am's fears for the future of music.

Direct download: Jul7.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:52pm PDT

Topical jokes about free sex, Donald Trump running for president, North Korea's defectors, a woman on the ten dollar bill, iPhones that track how often you have sex, and The Gap closing stores.

Direct download: Jun17.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:54pm PDT

Topical jokes about a cop pulling a gun at a pool party, fecal matter on your toothbrush, new Starbucks flavors, a Bitcoin theft, and a dishonest fortune teller.

Direct download: Jun9.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:24pm PDT

Topical jokes about outlawing mankinis, TSA agents being terrible at their jobs, Chinese smoking ban, Muslims being denied cans of soda, a male version of Hooters, and legal weed at the North Pole.

Trivia: I recorded this while getting over a very bad headcold!

Direct download: Jun3.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:51pm PDT

Topical jokes about The Rock's selfie record, hiring data, graduating college at 11, President Obama's first job, and a hack at Adult FriendFinder.

Direct download: May24.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:11am PDT

Topical jokes about President Obama joining twitter, a BASE jumping death, using Viagra to treat malaria, raising the minimum wage in Los Angeles, currency exchange manipulation, and a 1,500 mile butterfly corridor.

Direct download: May20.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:26pm PDT

Topical Jokes about a pig running for mayor, Southwest Airlines and suicide, a blind pole vaulter, Native Americans turning down a billion dollars, and a post office that stinks.

Direct download: May17th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:01am PDT

Topical jokes about Olive Garden's "breadstick sandwiches", George Zimmerman, murder by atomic wedgie, secular America, and butterflies that eat cocaine.

Direct download: May14.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:16pm PDT

Topical jokes about The Price is Right, refugees in suitcases, taking your great-grandmother to prom, social security going bankrupt, and Pizza Hut saving a hostage.

Direct download: May9.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:18pm PDT

Topical jokes about the second Royal Baby, catching Ebola from sex, Stephen Hawking, the Nepal Earthquake, cocaine smuggling, and a devil's haircut (in my mind).

Direct download: May4.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:51pm PDT

Topical jokes about Lil Wayne, Richard Branson, stripper funerals, cancer, and divorcing a man because his penis is too big.

Direct download: Apr28.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:01pm PDT

Topical jokes about stealing dog poop, a parrot who drinks coffee, Ebola, Walmart embezzlement, North Koreans watching "The Interview", and Ben Affleck's family owning slaves.

Direct download: Apr20.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:06pm PDT

Topical jokes about McDonald's all day breakfast, Amazon Dash, California's water shortage, a stabbing over salsa, more ISIS beheadings, and a retirement home's sexy calendar.

Direct download: Apr1.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:25pm PDT

Topical jokes about a fire extinguisher factory, mandatory voting, Burger King cologne, George Zimmerman, and the name of Vin Diesel's baby.

Direct download: Mar25.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:16pm PDT

Topical jokes about the Freedom of Information Act, medical marijuana for pets, having a baby in the shower, Target's new minimum wage, and Liam Neeson's semi-retirement.

Direct download: Mar20.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 2:12am PDT

Topical jokes about marijuana smuggling, a gay Star Wars character, shooting your TV, a portable meth lab, and a penis transplant.

Direct download: Mar13.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:50pm PDT

Topical jokes about Hillary Clinton's email address, a mysterious container labelled "Not Weed", sex changes in the Army, Chris Brown's baby, the Etsy IPO, and the new merger of Boko Haram and ISIS.

Direct download: Mar7.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:59pm PDT

Topical jokes about edible KFC cups, setting your own house on fire, legal marijuana, Vladimir Putin's critics mysteriously dying, and a man who has sex with mailboxes.

Direct download: Feb28.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:10pm PDT

Topical jokes about Justin Bieber, Bill Clinton, a 50 Shades of Grey word search, sleeping in a dumpster, Apple's $700 billion dollar valuation, and much, much more.

Direct download: Feb15.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:27pm PDT

Topical jokes about The Pope using a computer, The Vatican giving away free haircuts, a dating app for stoners, an app that tests for STDs, a 14 pound baby, transgendered bathrooms, and a horse in a bathtub.

Direct download: Feb8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 8:10pm PDT

Topical jokes about gay marriage in Alabama, cancer in the UK, Sports Illustrated featuring a plus-sized model, Venezuela's condom shortage, a suspicious package, and a selfie that ended in tragedy.

Direct download: Feb4.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:05pm PDT

Topical jokes about bacon-scented lottery tickets, traffic jams, mandatory vaccinations, legalized marijuana, McDonald's, and Suge Knight.

Direct download: Jan31.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:00pm PDT

Topical jokes about DeflateGate, Cuban/US relations, bears eating chocolate, Sarah Palin, Google Fiber, and coma patients.

Direct download: Jan24.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 1:05pm PDT

Topical jokes about smuggling iPhones, shooting your husband, the Paris liberty march, outsourcing jobs, and smoking in the office.

Direct download: Jan12.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:34pm PDT

Topical jokes about a stolen Heisman, eating human hearts, Jon Jones on cocaine, Korean hackers, and baby co-defendants.

Direct download: Jan6.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:21pm PDT

Topical jokes about Harry Reid, a turn signal lever, the King of Saudi Arabia, legal marijuana, and a boy who gave up soda for a year.

Trivia: I accidentally reversed the farewell on this episode, but didn't bother re-taking it, as my voice is about to give out.

Direct download: Jan2.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:49am PDT

A look back at topical jokes that were written before the podcast ever started. Jokes about Ebola, Kim Jong Un, strippers, really fat people, the Rosetta comet, Detroit, and more.

Direct download: BestOf2014.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:46am PDT

Topical Jokes about Chipotle, the war in Afghanistan, male birth control, marijuana in Colorado, and Russia's economic downturn.

Direct download: Dec28.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:56pm PDT

Topical jokes about Christmas, Matthew McConaughey, medical marijuana in Denver, "The Interview", The Pope, and pregnant rats.

Direct download: Dec24.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:13pm PDT

Topical jokes about an all-female press conference, gun possession when you can't hold a gun, abortion in Missouri, police violence, and emailing a wrench.

Direct download: Dec20.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:41am PDT

Topical Jokes about the Cromnibus, the Pope, postage stamps, cured Ebola patients, and Southwest airlines.

Direct download: Dec12.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:39pm PDT

Topical jokes about strippers working at a college, a giant baby in Colorado, the death of Ralph Baer, President Obama's sore throat, and The Pope's healthy lack of awareness.

Direct download: Dec7.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:43pm PDT

The Jokes for December 2nd

Topical jokes about government incompetence, Will Smith, Kim Jong Un, and Nazis losing their Social Security.

Direct download: Dec2.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:33pm PDT

The Jokes for November 30th

Topical jokes about Thanksgiving knife fights, subway weddings, Darren Wilson & Michael Brown, Busta Rhymes falling, and emotional support pigs.

Direct download: Nov30.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 6:14pm PDT

The Jokes for November 23rd

The very first episode of The Jokes for Today mini-podcast. Topical jokes about the 2016 election, bus drivers, a crooked traffic cop, and an ugly christmas tree.

Direct download: Nov23.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 1:35pm PDT

1