The Jokes for Today

Categories

general
Comedy

Archives

2017
August
July
June
May
April
March
January

2016
November
September
August
June
May
April
March
February
January

2015
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2014
December
November

August 2017
S M T W T F S
     
    1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31

Syndication

Topical jokes about: Confederate statues, Donald Trump ecstasy, and the Secret Service.

Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:
iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ
 
Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 22nd.

In Texas, a man was arrested after he was caught trying to blow up a Confederate statue. If convicted, the man will be enslaved.
 
In Germany, police have seized 5,000 orange ecstasy tablets that are shaped like Donald Trump's head. When you take the Donald Trump ecstasy you feel amazing. You feel just like Donald Trump does right after he hits "Send" on a tweet.

Police also discovered Donald Trump Viagra pills, which were shaped like his giant red neckties.

The Secret Service can no longer afford to protect Donald Trump and his family, as they have already exhausted their annual budget. Trump said, "Not to worry, if anyone tries to shoot me, I can just use Melania as a human shield."
 
These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Aug22.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:51pm PST

Topical jokes about: Steve Bannon, stolen zoo animals, and white supremacy.

Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 19th.


A priest chanting Latin in reverse successfully cast a magic spell to banish evil spirits -- and Steven Bannon has been removed from the White House.

Donald Trump reportedly asked for Bannon's resignation. According to Trump, during his meeting with Bannon, people were fired on many sides -- many sides.
 
Speaking of racism...

In Boston, a group of dozens of white supremacists held a protest, but were dwarfed by 40,000 counter protestors. So for once, white supremacists got to feel what it's like to be a vulnerable minority group.
 
In Venezuela, a food shortage has resulted in animals being stolen from the zoo, and zoo officials fear the animals have been eaten. "I have no idea what happened", said a man eating an aardvark sandwich.

...two visitors were asked to leave the zoo after they were caught rubbing barbecue sauce onto an elephant.
 
These were the Jokes for Today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.



Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ
Direct download: aug19.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 12:31am PST

Topical jokes about Neo-Nazis, the KKK, and a woman who found her wedding ring on a carrot.
 
Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 16th.

In Canada, a gardener who lost her wedding ring 14 years ago, found it wrapped around a carrot. According to Canadian law, that carrot can now sue the woman for alimony.

The KKK has been denied a permit to burn a giant cross on top of a mountain. No reason was provided.

A Neo-Nazi website has been forced offline after they were banned from several webhosting services. Currently, the only website posting Nazi propaganda is Whitehouse.gov

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.


Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ
Direct download: Aug16th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:02pm PST

After an extremely long hiatus, the Jokes for Today are BACK!

Topical jokes about: an island of garbage, the owner of Costco dying, stoners, and OJ Simpson getting out of prison.

Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing:

iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi

Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for August 3rd.

In extremely recent news:
 
OJ Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from prison. OJ made a pretty compelling argument to the parole board: he threatened to MURDER them.

OJ swore that if he was released from prison that he'd never commit another murder. The parole board reminded him that he was in prison for robbery.
 
A study found that people who smoke marijuana are more relaxed than people who don't. The study consisted of a scientist looking at a stoner for 1 second.

Scientists have discovered a floating patch of garbage in the ocean, that's 1 and a half times the size of Texas. The biggest difference is that  unlike Texas, people want to live on the island of garbage.

The founder of Costco has passed away. He died while making a sandwich, when he fell off of a stepladder, and drowned in a 600 gallon jar of mayonnaise.
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.

 
Direct download: Aug3.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:31pm PST

1