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Topical Jokes about: Being struck by lightning, child sex slaves on Mars, Obama Boulevard, and a plane crash on the 405 freeway.

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Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for July 5th.

In Florida, a pregnant woman gave birth after being struck by lightning. The good news is that now her iPhone is fully charged.

...the child was named "Sparky."
 
In response to a conspiracy theory, NASA issued a statement that there are no child sex slaves on Mars. They prefer to be called "underage astronaut prostitutes."

The Los Angeles city council has voted to name a street "Obama Boulevard." Drivers love the road, but Republicans have already promised that they will "reroute and repave Obama Boulevard."

Donald Trump's proposed replacement for Obama Boulevard is a quarter-mile of red lights and spike strips, that ultimately sends drivers over a cliff.
 
Speaking of roads --

Last week a plane crash-landed on the 405 freeway. Traffic on the freeway was backed up for miles, with hour-long delays, and then the plane crashed.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: July5th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:55pm PDT

Topical jokes about: Trumpcare, throwing change into a jet engine, a dog who was elected mayor, and the Queen of England getting a raise.

 

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 27th.
 
Hillary Clinton said ‘If Republicans pass this healthcare bill, they’ll be the death party’, And if there's anyone who knows about being the death of a party, it's Hillary Clinton.
 
A small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as mayor for the fourth time. The dog nearly lost the election when Wikileaks posted emails, where the dog confessed that he knew he wasn't a good boy.
 
In China, a flight was delayed for hours after an elderly woman threw coins into one of the engines for good luck. To prevent future occurrences, airport security no longer allows passengers to bring on, OLD CHINESE WOMEN.
 
The Queen of England is set to receive a 78% raise from the government. The raise is good news, because there'd been rumors around the watercooler, that the Queen was going to get laid off.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun27th.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:40pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Marijuana pizza, a bad dog owner, untalented psychics, fox news, and a lawsuit involving a testicle.

 

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 18th.

In Massachusetts, a marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana pizza. If your marijuana pizza isn't delivered within 30 minutes, then your driver is probably taking a nap.

Police ticketed a woman after she left her six dogs in a hot car, and they all died. The ticket was for "barbecuing without a license."

Fox News has announced they are retiring their old slogan "Fair and Balanced." Fox executives are still deciding on the new slogan, which they've narrowed down to either: "The Daily Show for Racists" or "InfoWars Light."

In Arizona, two psychics were surprised when they were hit by a car that crashed through the window of a restaurant. The man explained that were were different kinds of psychics. He's the kind of psychic who can't see the future.

...the injured psychic asked police to let his wife know he was in the hospital so she wouldn't be worried. The man said that his wife is also a psychic.

In Pennsylvania, a man has been awarded $870,000 dollars after he underwent surgery to remove a diseased testicle, and the doctor removed his healthy testicle by mistake. In the doctor's defense, no testicle has ever looked healthy.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun1817.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 6:28pm PDT

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 7th.

Soon, iPhones will prevent users from texting while driving. The way it works is simple, when the driver starts texting, the car's wheels will fly off.

Drug overdoses are now the leading cause of death for people under 50. And when you turn 50 there's a new leading cause of death: infected bed sores.
 
In Utah, a woman was arrested for pulling her child's teeth out with pliers in a Walmart bathroom. Walmart employees were shocked, because none of them had ever heard of dentistry.

A man flying Delta airlines was bitten by another passenger's emotional support dog. But the dog made it up to everyone later, by eating a crying baby.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: Jun7.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:53pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Bill Maher saying the n-word, homelessness, in LA, trying to join ISIS, and the new Wonder Woman movie.

Hope you enjoy extremely deadpan delivery, because that's how I read jokes.

 

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Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 4th.

The new "Wonder Woman" movie earned 100 million dollars in its opening weekend. "Wonder Woman" is such huge a hit that there's already talk of rebooting the franchise, with a male lead.

In Los Angeles, the homeless population has jumped 23% since last year. Which is a surprising statistic, considering 99% of the people in Los Angeles, have never had a job.

Bill Maher has been criticized for using the n-word in a TV interview. But in Bill Maher's defense: he's an out-of-touch douche.

An Air Force veteran has been sentenced to 35 years in prison for trying to join ISIS. ISIS released a statement saying they'd reviewed the man's application, but they're moving ahead with another candidate.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: June4th17.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:31pm PDT

I'm still recovering from a cold and sore throat, so please excuse my hoarse voice.

Extremely deadpan topical jokes about: Kathy Griffin and Donald Trump, the cop who shot Tamir Rice, pedophiles in Australia, hot dogs with metal in them, and a car crash story that's too long to summarize.

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Show transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 30th.

 
200,000 pounds of Nathan's hot dogs were recalled after it was discovered that they contained sharp bits of metal. The explanation for the metal shards was simple: the hot dogs were made from soldiers who'd been killed by grenades.
 
In Ohio, the police officer who killed 12 year old Tamir Rice was fired today, not for the shooting, but for lying on his job application. The officer lied on the application when it asked "Would you ever shoot an unarmed child?"
In Washington state, a 70 year old woman who was trapped in her car for 5 days, survived by eating bananas and water. Luckily the woman knew several banana and water recipes: damp banana slices, banana soup, and of course, mashed bananas, drizzled with water sauce.
 
In Australia, convicted pedophiles have been banned from travelling outside of the country, because they may do so to abuse other children. Australian pedophiles are furious, and Australian children are terrified.
 
Kathy Griffin sparked controversy after she took photos of her holding Donald Trump's decapitated head. Trump found out about the photo when it was retweeted by Melania.
 
These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May302017.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 9:45pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: setting yourself on fire on Facebook Live, cutting off an employee's hand, snorting cocaine in England, and stealing Girl Scout cookies.

 

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 14th.

In Kentucky, a woman was arrested after she stole fifteen thousand dollars worth of Girl Scout cookies -- which is about thirty boxes.

In Pakistan, a 13 year old boy had his hand cut off by his boss when he demanded his overdue paycheck. To make sure he'd learned his lesson, the woman slapped the boy across the face -- with his own amputated hand.
 
In Tennessee, a man set himself on fire, and then ran into a bar. The bartender reached under the counter, and poured the man a kamikaze and a fireball.

In England, people are complaining that the new 5 pound notes are cutting their noses when they snort cocaine. Because there's nothing worse than waking up from a cocaine overdose to find out that you're in jail, you've lost your job -- AND you have a papercut in your nose.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May14th2.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:32pm PDT

Topical jokes about: A Domino's driver winning a shootout, homeless people in San Francisco, skinny French models, and how nobody dies because they don't have health care.

Enjoy this deadpan comedy monologue in the style of SNL Weekend Update and Late Night with Seth Meyers.

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Show Transcript:

In Idaho, a Republican congressman was booed when he told a town hall that "nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare." He went on to say that nobody ever got pregnant from having sex, and drinking doesn't get you drunk.

In Texas, an attempted robbery of a Domino's driver resulted in a gunfight, where the teenage driver shot and killed his attacker. The pizza delivery boy rushed to deliver the last pizza of the night, which was a large mushroom and pepperoni, covered in blood and brains.
 
In San Francisco, an organization has raised $100 million dollars to end homelessness. The $100 million will be spent on a fleet of stretch limos, to ship all the homeless people to Bakersfield.

A new law in France has banned fashion models who are too skinny. The law is working great: now all those skinny French models are out of work, so they're going to starve to death.
Direct download: May8.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 10:04pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: Sexually assaulting a chicken, the UK police disabling your phone, a parrot trained to give insults, a sleeping 911 dispatcher, and a priest that embezzled $500k.

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 5th.

In Philadelphia, a priest was caught stealing a half a million dollars from his church. Parishioners became suspicious when the priest gave a sermon about the 9 Commandments.

In Italy, a woman was killed by her neighbor after she trained her parrot to insult him. Not only is the man in prison for life, but he's getting 10 phone calls a day, from the parrot.

Speaking of birds...
 
In Oregon, a man was arrested for sexually assaulting a chicken. The man confessed that he'd sometimes have sex with two chickens at once, which he called "a chicken sandwich."

In the UK, police can now remotely disable your phone, even if you're not a criminal. So now you have a new excuse for missing someone's text.

Speaking of phones...

In Ohio, an emergency dispatcher has been suspended after he was heard snoring during a 911 call. In his defense, the murder the caller was describing, was really boring.

These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.
Direct download: May5.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:11pm PDT

Topical Jokes about: The Pope starting a laundromat, a politician appearing via hologram, suicide-proofing the Golden Gate bridge, and paying hospital bills in advance.

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Show Transcript:

In Rome, The Pope has opened a new laundromat for the poor. It's just like a regular laundromat, except after you wash your clothing, you hang it to dry on a crucifix.
 
Many US hospitals are now requiring patients to pay for their medical care BEFORE they receive treatment. In a related story, people with gushing head wounds have started robbing banks.

In France, a politician is able to appear at several rallies at the same by, by projecting himself as a hologram. He's an honest politician, but voters see right through him.

The Golden Gate Bridge is set to receive suicide barriers to prevent people from jumping to their death. Now, people who want to commit suicide will have to go back to lighting themselves on fire.
 
In Colorado, marijuana enthusiasts have founded the International Church of Cannabis. The founder said he was inspired to start the church after he saw a burning bush.
Direct download: April16.mp3
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 1:02am PDT